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NOTE: The following questions and answers appeared originally in Wendy's Wolf's column Love Life Letters which appears in the national quarterly magazine Special Living. Letters are only answered in Special Living magazine and are chosen on the basis of widest readership interest. You may address your letters to either Special Living, Attn: Wendy Wolf, P.O. Box 1000, Bloomington IL 61702, or directly to D.A.W.N. Attn: Dear Wendy Column, PMB 217, 3906 W. Ina Rd. #200, Tucson AZ 85741. Or you may email your letter with "Love Life Letters" in the subject heading to either info@specialiving.com or to dawnser@mindspring.com .
QUESTION
Dear Wendy,
I have been seeing a man for 3 months and I enjoy his friendswhip and going out with him, but I am very upset because he is starting to touch my leg and I don't like it. What should I do?
Touch-Me-Not
ANSWER
Dear Touch-Me-Not,
There are all kinds of friendship, certainly some do not require touching or intimacy. If you desire friendship without touching or intimacy, or even if you feel it is just too soon for that in your relationship, you definitely have the right to say NO! Tell him what the limits of your friendship are. If he cannot accept them, then he is no friend worth having.
QUESTION
Dear Wendy,
I'm the mother of a lovely girl who joined D.A.W.N. 18 months ago. I think any man would be fortunate to have my daughter as a girlfriend or wife, but I fear that her disability makes her vulnerable to being dominated, misled, or even sexually exploited by men.
I have liked all the men D.A.W.N. has referred to her. She has been dating her last referral, a likeable mentally challenged young man, for the last 8 months. It has become quite serious and they have begun to discuss marriage. But I don't think they are intellectually prepared to deal with the responsibilities of living together, let alone marriage.
Would you be willing to talk to her and let her know that it's okay to go out on dates and have fun, but living together or marriage is out of the question?
Worried Mom
ANSWER
Dear Worried Mom,
While your desire to protect your daughter is admirable, there is a point of diminishing returns when protection is at the cost of excluding her from the rewards as well as the risks of a complete life. In reality, your daughter is 33 years old and, while you may not regard her as intellectually adult, she is living out her adult years at this very time and is trying to have the adult experience in life that everyone around her has.
I encourage you to give your daughter more control of her own life and accept the parents role of helping her through any mistakes she might make, just as parents of able bodied children must do. Within reason, an imperfect romance is better than no romance. In all good conscience, I cannot advise your daughter against marriage, because I believe that having control of her own life is what independence is all about. With your help and outside support systems, anything is possible.
I would also recommend reading related materials such as the book Couples With Intellectual Disabilities Talk About Living And Loving by Karen Schwier, published by Woodbine House. The candid portraits in this book give parents and service providers the courage and incentive to allow, even encourage, similar close relationships for their children and clients
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