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NOTE: The following questions and answers appeared originally in Wendy's Wolf's column Love Life Letters which appears in the national quarterly magazine Special Living. Letters are only answered in Special Living magazine and are chosen on the basis of widest readership interest. You may address your letters to either Special Living, Attn: Wendy Wolf, P.O. Box 1000, Bloomington IL 61702, or directly to D.A.W.N. Attn: Dear Wendy Column, PMB 217, 3906 W. Ina Rd. #200, Tucson AZ 85741. Or you may email your letter with "Love Life Letters" in the subject heading to either info@specialiving.com or to dawnser@mindspring.com .
QUESTION
Dear Wendy,
As it gets closer and closer to the Holidays, my social isolation becomes more and more depressing. I am so sick and tired of people thinking that I am "mentally retarded" whenever they hear me speak. I have mild cerebral palsy, which mostly affects my speech. I lead a very active normal life for a 20 year old. I drive my own car, work, and attend college classes. My family and friends think I'm very pretty and have a nice figure. To me my nicest feature is my hair. All this does not matter because, when a guy checks me out and starts to talk to me, if I open my mouth it's all over. I can tell by the expression on his face and sometimes the snide remarks to peers or even commenting, "She's a retard", right in front of me. It really hurts and causes me to clam up and become very shy. How will I ever find anyone if I'm afraid to respond when guys talk to me?
Too Shy
ANSWER
Dear Too Shy,
It sounds like you have a lot going for you, but your greatest enemy at this point is you and your lack of self esteem. Don't become what some may assume you are. We often find this model in parent child relationships. If the parent tells the child often enough that he/she is "bad", he/she will believe this and have to live down to the parent's expectation. You must not live down to what other's assume you are. My hunch is that you begin to avoid eye contact, avoid responding, respond quietly, or don't respond at all when a new male arrives on the scene. For others to believe in you, you must believe in yourself. Let people know that, just because your speech is impaired, this has nothing to do with your intelligence. To do this, prepare and practice what you are going to say, something like, "In case you're wondering, I have a speech impairment, but I am not mentally retarded," and say it with a smile, not a chip on your shoulder. This Holiday Season, let your gift to yourself be self confidence and the committment to learning how to communicate that to others. You may have to work a little harder at proving yourself to others in all aspects of your life, but believe me the rewards will be much greater then the fear when you do meet that very special someone.
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