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NOTE: The following questions and answers appeared originally in Wendy's Wolf's column Love Life Letters which appears in the national quarterly magazine Special Living. Letters are only answered in Special Living magazine and are chosen on the basis of widest readership interest. You may address your letters to either Special Living, Attn: Wendy Wolf, P.O. Box 1000, Bloomington IL 61702, or directly to D.A.W.N. Attn: Dear Wendy Column, PMB 217, 3906 W. Ina Rd. #200, Tucson AZ 85741. Or you may email your letter with "Love Life Letters" in the subject heading to either info@specialiving.com or to dawnser@mindspring.com .
QUESTION
Dear Wendy,
As a result of an automobile accident back in 1975, I'm a 6T7 quadriplegic. Since then, I have been studying Social Work along with having miscellaneous medical problems.
About 16 months ago I met the nicest paraplegic man who is just a good friend. Sometimes, friendships grow. How do two people in wheelchairs experience the phenomenon of sexual intercourse? Just how?
Sincerely,
Hopeful
ANSWER
Dear Hopeful,
I love your expression "the phenomenon of sexual intercourse," because it is truly a beautiful phenomenon that all people desire and require for health and happiness. And it is a rainbow phenomenon with all colors and shades of intimacy, from the magic of touching, holding hands, and hugging, to the passion of intimate caressing, oral, and genital contact.
Although this column in no way intends to dispense medical advice and I am not qualified to do so, I would encourage you to seek the advice of your and/or his doctor because there is a growing area where, in some cases, properly prescribed medication, such as Viiagra and other devices, can restore normal and even better than normal sexual function. Of course, the most important sexual organ is the brain.
As for the literal physical mechanics of overcoming a physical challenge to accomplish sexual coupling, there are a variety of approaches from the augmentation of toys like vibrators to the assistance of care givers and attendants in preparing one or both partners beforehand. One of the most important factors is the communication, agreement, and cooperation of both partners and their willingness to accept alternative sexual techniques and/or the preparation assistance of others.
No one needs to be embarrassed about desiring sex, no one needs to be uncomfortable about assistance in accomplishing it, and everyone deserves the experience of this beautiful "phenomenon." Always remain hopeful.
QUESTION
Dear Wendy,
I am a graduate student for an MBA program. As part of my marketing paper, I am doing a research on disabled people and dating.
If you could tell me certain behavioral aspects of disabled people towards dating, like what they like and do they prefer to have disabled partners only, etc., it would be very useful for my project.
Thanking you in anticipation,
Regards,
Graduate Student
ANSWER
Dear Graduate Student,
You are doing a most important topic for your research paper, therefore, I think it is important for you to become familiar with "people first" language. You refer to "certain behavioral aspects of disabled people." Referring to "people with disabilities" would be utilizing people first language. We are all people first, and some of us may have particular challenges in our lives.
To answer your question in regard to specific behavioral aspects and what "they" like to do on dates and if "they" prefer disabled partners, we find that some people with disabilities often settle for a partner that may be inappropriate due to fear that there may not be anyone better or anyone else who may come along. People with disabilities have the same feelings, needs and desires that you have. We all have expectations and goals and that basic instinct; to be loved. Folks with specific challenges also want their lives to progress in the normal developmental stages of building a relationship with friendship, romance, and intimacy.
What do people with disabilities like to do on dates? The same things all of us like to do, with specific preferences or likes or dislikes for some; ie: dining out or in, movies, theatre, picnics, museums, dancing, taking walks together, good conversation, traveling, etc..
As far as partners desiring a disabled mate, we all seek acceptance. Some people with disabilities seek a non disabled partner because they feel life would be easier having someone who can help them. Others sometimes seek non disabled partners because they feel having a disabled partner draws too much attention. What it boils down to is acceptance and sometimes finding a disabled mate is easier because there is greater sensitivity toward each others needs and lifestyle.
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